JOHN HARRISON +
J H +
copywriting
TIRED MULES
Your sentences are mules, their load is your meaning.
Be careful not to overload your mule, or it’ll buckle under the weight.
One thing at a time
Readers are generally better at focusing on one thing at a time.
Writers would write better if they did the same. But writers tend to burden each sentence with too much work making them overwhelming, distracting, and frankly, exhausting.
So, for an easier read it makes sense to keep sentences focused. If you have more to say, rather than inflating an existing sentence, add a new one. If you've got lots of long sentences, snap them in half.
My technique is to write in short sentences and to abuse the full stop. I start there because I want to over index on the short and medium sentence. And, I find it easier to bridge ideas with either commas or linking words like and, so, but, or meanwhile.
Example one
Before
When I was a young boy, my mother, who was a kind woman with a gentle heart and a soft voice, would always read bedtime stories to me which I enjoyed immensely.
After
When I was a young boy, my mother would always read bedtime stories to me. She was kind, with a gentle heart and a soft voice. I enjoyed those stories immensely.
Analysis
In the before sentence, the details about the mother and the boy's enjoyment of the stories were embedded within the main sentence, making it more complex and harder to follow. The after sentence, in contrast, breaks down these ideas into separate sentences, each expressing a distinct thought.
Example two
Before
The project, while it was a great success in many respects and taught us many valuable lessons, unfortunately, also had some negative impacts on the team due to the stressful circumstances.
After
The project was a great success in many respects. It taught us many valuable lessons. However, it also had some negative impacts on the team due to the stressful circumstances.
Analysis
The before sentence tries to communicate several points at once. The success of the project, the lessons learned, and the negative impacts. The after version splits these into separate sentences, offering a clearer, more direct articulation of each point.
Example three
Before
I went to the park, where I saw some kids playing, and then I sat on a bench and watched them for a while as they were so full of joy.
After
I went to the park and saw some kids playing. I sat on a bench and watched them. Their joy was infectious.
Analysis
The before sentence includes several actions and observations in one sentence, while the after sentence separates them. The separation allows each sentence to have its own focus, aiding comprehension.
Example four
Before
The research we conducted, although it was thorough and insightful, turned out to be slightly off target with the actual consumer behaviour, which was a surprise to us.
After
We conducted thorough and insightful research. However, it turned out to be slightly off target with actual consumer behaviour. This surprised us.
Analysis
The before sentence presents several aspects of the research in one long sentence. In the after version, the conduct of the research, the mismatch with consumer behaviour, and the team's surprise is given its own sentence. It’s clearer and each sentence serves a single function.
It's only roll one
It can read staccato at first but that's OK. It's only the first roll of the dice. On later rolls I tinker with the rhythm, the melody, and the variation that all writers, as part composers, need to consider.